Blog of The Week Stuff

This is by command of the Empress of the World:

Go to the following page immediately.

http://dirkmancuso.blogspot.com/

E-Mail Stuff

It’s been said before and I’m sure will be said again. That doesn’t in any way stop me from saying it here. Actually, not much can deter me from speaking out.

(grabs soapbox and steps up)

If you are kind enough to send me a forward, PLEASE DELETE THE ADDRESSES OF THE PREVIOUS 821 PEOPLE WHO WERE SENT THE SAME F***ING EMAIL. Please delete the corporate privacy policy notices for each of the previous 821 people who were sent the mail. I really don’t like scrolling down 7596 lines to get to the message. Also – I had to get a new email addy since my old address has been taken over by spammers. Right now there are over 4900 pieces of spam at the Yahoo address, a direct result of NON-editing of previous addresses. People are forwarding my address indisriminately. Arrrrgh! (and I’m not a pirate like Laurie)

If you have my address them you know me – c’mon you KNOW me. Angel poems with glittering illustrations, pictures of cute kittens and puppies, and urban legend scare messages are not my bag. I’m just not a ” guardian angel poem” kind of chick. I help those less fortunate by sending a check – I don’t forward a letter. You know that if you know me.

Please send me jokes and games (yanno I like stuff like that) and personal messages.

Send this post to 10 people in the next 5 minutes and you’ll have good luck for the next year.
Becky H. didn’t forward this and fell out of a tree. What the hell she was doing in a tree is a mystery to me. Bill Gates will donate $.04 for each forward recorded and the funds will be used for little Timmy’s hernia surgery. Remember, if you eat a watermelon seed, a melon will grow in your belly and you’ll need the same surgery as Timmy.

Odd Stuff

I work in a building in a pretty ritzy part of Atlanta called Buckhead. I’m used to seeing guys in suits in my building – sometimes just nice shirts and ties, but it’s not really a casual workplace. (except for the very rich and talented I.T. guys (hi Tai, hi Chad) who get to wear jeans and polo shirts every day).

As I was walking out to go to lunch (meaning my golden opportunity to smoke… finally) I noticed a guy wearing shorts exiting one of the elevators. I started thinking about his outfit and tried to come up with ten occupations where shorts are normal dress. (just humor me, this is my real life here)

I came up with these:
Zookeeper, Park Ranger, Mail Carrier, UPS/FedEX/DHL folk, Camp Counsellor, Hooters Server – that’s all I got. I can’t think of any more.

Now I’m in the mood to identify as many things as I can in ANY catagory.
So… (for those who get annoyed reading blog lists – now is the time to get out!)

I’m picking my catagory and I’m just going to start naming things. (I warned you – run…NOW!)

VILLAINS!!!

My favorite villains in cartoons: (yes, I still watch cartoons – don’t you?)
“Gargamel” – the Smurfs
“Skeletor” – He Man
“Mum-ra” – Thundercats
“Mr. Burns” – the Simpsoms
“Stewie” – the Family Guy

My favorite movie villains:
“Hans Gruber” – Die Hard
“Kaiser Soze” – The Usual Suspects
“Sheriff of Nottingham” – Robin Hood
“Castor Troy” – Face Off
“Agent Smith” – The Matrix
“Alonzo Harris” – Training Day

My favorite TV villains:
“Dr. Zachary Smith – Lost in Space
“J.R. Ewing” – Dallas
“Stringer Bell” – The Wire
“Junior Soprano” – The Sopranos
“Marie” – Everybody Loves Raymond

This was fun. Did I miss any good ones?

I think I’ll do this again using other topics.

Trivial Stuff

Last night I stopped at a light at the corner of Mt. Zion and Mt. Zion. A directional sign pointed towards another Mt. Zion. The Atlanta street naming team needs to be replaced. Immediately! (there are many intersections like this in the area, usually named Peachtree.)

I’m at the end of a tube of toothpaste. I’m able to get by with just a dash of toothpaste right now but if I had a brand new tube, I’d smear it all over the brush, some of it would drop in the sink leaving a glob I would have to clean up. This is an observation only. I refuse to learn new behavior.

We have waaay too much bread in out kitchen right now. I keep using the newest bag of hamburger buns – let others eat the older stuff. (“A”, I’m sorry, but that’s just how I am)

Why does everyone pretend not to see that green thing in the refrigerator that was formerly a cucumber?

I love the recent Dunkin Donut’s commercials – the music is great especially the song about “my thighs sticking to the pleather.” I stop what I’m doing and watch them every time. I don’t eat their doughnuts though.

Carlos Mencia is hilarious. I’m glad he’s the methadone for my Dave Chappelle addiction withdrawal.

Our office had our summer party at a wine bar on Saturday night. I didn’t embarrass myself – at least as far as I can remember. I’ll find out today.

I skated at a new rink last night: Skate Zone. Yes, I have new fans there. (I love it) To the chick that gave me gas face all night: “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.”(some of you older readers remember the commercial and get the lame joke)

I saw an old friend from Nueva York on Saturday. The mini-reunion was held at my ex-husband’s lovely home. His girlfriend moved in with him recently and I overheard him saying to one of his boys, “I’m going crazy – the ex is in one room the girlfriend is in the other.” Poetic justice I say. He had a girlfriend over at a barbeque while we were still married. I stayed longer than I normally would have just because.

Can anyone love me more than I love myself? I hope not – I don’t need a stalker. I did have a stalker for a minute, but I suppose he just lost interest. I didn’t even get the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. He just stopped sending me the lewd emails.

I spoke with one of my ex boyfriends on the phone last night. He had NOTHING new to say. Sad, huh?

I’m jealous of the many witty bloggers out there who have actual topics every day.

I want a surprise birthday party! November 20th is my b-day, but the party can be any time that week. I’ve been practicing my “surprised’ look so I won’t ‘blow it’.

I always think I’m the best dancer in the club. My children think otherwise.

Can you tell that I’m was known as the “ADD” wife of one of my exes? This post is a great example of my normal thought process.

Lyrical Stuff

Okay. Many of you might be familiar with the single, “Bossy” by Kelis (http://www.kelis.co.uk/.

I did an age and temperment based redux of her song. Imagine me singing!!!

Here’s my remix:

(Chorus)
I’m grouchy
I’m the one with the cramps I hate
I’m the one with the water weight
That’s right I’m the one feelin’ all the pain
That’s right each month get this crap again.
I’m grouchy
Did a 2 second bathroom dash. Oh shit here’s a new hot flash.
That’s right it’s that long ass hormonal change.
That’s right my whole life’s being rearranged.

(Verse)
Oooooh.
I’m running short on my estrogen.
Although my periods back again – I wanna know when this shit will end.
Tell me when. Tell me when.

Ooooh.
Everything seems to just make me mad.
I’m sick of looking at menstrual pads.
Why do these stupid cramps feel so bad?
Ain’t it sad? Ain’t it sad?

(Chorus)
I’m grouchy
I’m the one with the cramps I hate
I’m the one with the water weight
That’s right I’m the one feelin’ all the pain
That’s right each month get this crap again.
I’m grouchy
Did a 2 second bathroom dash.
Oh shit here’s a new hot flash.
That’s right it’s that long ass hormonal change.
That’s right my whole life’s being rearranged.

Annoying Stuff

2 Annoyances:

1. Imagine yourself in line at the grocery store on a Saturday afternoon at about 4p.m.

It’s crowded, your last nerve was plucked by that woman who refused to tell her children to stop harassing other shoppers. You finally make it to the express lane with your six little items and you breathe a sigh of relief. Home, a nice dinner and a cool drink await you.

You can see the target way ahead of you. The cashier is working quickly and efficiently. The people at the front of the line are smiling and happy – they’re steadily moving toward their goal: the register.

You don’t move one inch. Imagine your feelings. How can this be?

The person ahead of you has decided to leave a FIVE FOOT GAP between their shopping cart and the person ahead of them. Sneaky shoppers are jumping ahead of the person ahead of you and going straight to the checkout. The person ahead of you makes NO EFFORT TO CLOSE THE GAP so all the people behind her suffer.

I’ve never seen this in a grocery store. I used the situation to get to my point – I wanted you guys to feel my pain.

Every single day in the beautiful city of Atlanta, Georgia (Joe-gia) this situation occurs, but it occurs where it causes me much more irritation than it would in a supermarket.

It happens in the far left lane of I75/85 known as “The Connector”, the portion of the interstate system that passes through Midtown Atlanta.

Certain drivers fight their way to get into the fast lane. They swoop ahead of the pack back in the ‘burbs to guarantee their place at the head of the line when congestion sets in.

Once the roads are crowded, the same driver, Mr. Emperor of The World decides that a more leisurely ride is desired and leaves a gap large enough for tractor trailer or two to pull into. He has to work hard to maintain the gap, suddenly breaking to stop the flow of traffic if it seems that the left lane might be keeping up with the lanes to his right. He will only increase his speed if a car from his own lane dares to try to pass him on the right.

“Hell naw!” He says to himself. “There will be none of that today. Get back in line.” Allowing a car from behind him to gain the upper hand and actually keep up with the flow of traffic is not part of his agenda. His Emperor of the World status might be jeopardized if he allowed even one car from the left lane to continue on it’s way and make it to work at a reasonable time. Arrrrrgh!

2. I love to share a nice meal in good company. Most of my buddies are pretty cool people and we split the bill with no argument, drop a great tip and go home happy.

There’s a newer member to our crowd who is a cheap ass. He once actually gave the bartender a $5 bill and a quarter for a $5.25 beer. We were shocked. The bartender was shocked. The other patrons in the vicinity were shocked. (we were a bunch of shocked people, huh?) This led to whispered conversations around the bar and we remembered other instances where he showed his true colors.

We would split a dinner check and he would drop exactly $14.95 or whatever the cost of his entree might have been onto the pile of cash. He would need to run to the bathroom or go out to smoke right at that moment and the rest of us would total the payment and add the appropriate tip. We figured he was just in too much of a rush at the time and that it was just an oversight. No oversight – cheap ass.

Random Stuff

Bloggity, blogity, blog. (translation: I don’t have anything really interesting going on right now, but I don’t want to get yelled at for not updating so I’m just writing random stuff in the hope that it’s good enough)

Warnings to those who don’t know:
1. Eat something before going out to drink. Trust me.
2. Getting sick outside a club isn’t the most attractive look one might go for.
3. Bubble guts are scary as hell. (this is why one should not drink the night before a work day. Bubble guts are a long lasting condition. Think ‘Depends’. Supersized.)
4. Sleeping in your party clothes isn’t very comfortable.
5. Makeup from the night before looks horrible in the morning.
6. You’re not as witty as you think after a couple of drinks.

Those colors that don’t quite match when you put them on in the morning look even worse when you get to work. Asking a sleepy guy if you look okay isn’t the best course of action. He’s sleepy and doesn’t really care.

No matter how kind and sweet your man may be, he will still never sleep in the wet spot.

I have resigned myself to live with watching 5 or 6 shows at a time. “A” has television ADD and the jokes about men and remotes aren’t funny anymore. He’ll even ask me what is going on sometimes (as though the transmission on the channel he changed somehow gets through to me on some secret wavelength). He’s serious when he asks.

There are too many rappers with either “Lil” or “Young” in their names. If you’re rapping about adult issues, let’s be grownups.

More to follow.
Edit 8/3/06 – see line directly above. I lied.