More Random Stuff

(for Mike fans:”neener”)

Why do I regularly find myself running into people who know me who I can’t remember at all? Then I have to spend the rest of the day trying to figure out the who, what, when, where and especially the why of the relationship with this stranger who greeted me so warmly. (Now shut up! It’s not always alcohol related – I am not a drunk!)

I do the fake, “how are YOU?” and smile while my brain is sorting through the possibilities. I usually ask, “how is everyone?” (trying for a clue) still smiling like I know who the hell they are.

Sometimes they give it away, but most of the time the response is, “Fine.” so I’m still at square one.

The worse is if I’m with someone and the stranger is waiting politely for an introduction : ain’t gonna happen since I don’t know who you are. Playing this off is always a big test of my acting skills and my deodorant. Sometimes the deodorant loses.

I don’t remember the names of a couple of people that I’ve have sex with. Messed up or just a little senility? I thinks it’s pretty bad when I’m doing my head count (heh-heh on the pun) that I have to say, “that cute dude with the big ‘fro from the Bronx” instead of “Marvin Atkins”. I don’t think I’ve had more partners than the average chick, so it’s probably just a senility issue. I don’t want to be a Ho’ (did you know that it’s really “whore” pronounced differently?) but if I am, I guess I just am.

I can name almost every teacher and professor I’ve ever had and most of my classmates from elementary school. (why this is something I’m proud of mystefies me).
~
I finally watch the TV show “The Office” – I love it! I used to work there – they called it Bell South Call Center at the time.
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I’ve decided that I’m going to an afterwork party today – Why? I think I look cute today and don’t want to waste all this fly girl. “A” doesn’t get home from work ’til almost midnight so someone has to see me to appreciate it. Beer goggle compliments are always accepted here.
~
I went downstairs and hung out with my smoke break friends today – they’re all so funny and cool and I missed them since I was afraid that I would break down and smoke if I went outside during the day. The urge is just as strong, but I’m still hangin in there. Why are there all these recent reports on how tough it is to quit?
~
A local radio show was discussing stupid songs. The discussion started after a caller asked the host to stop playing “Chicken Noodle Soup” calling it the dumbest song he ever heard. The host came back with “The DoubleDutch Bus” as the dumbest song ever and the caller conceded the point. What’s the dumbest song played in regular rotation on the radio that you can remember?
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How does a team go from “Superbowl contenders” to “worst in the league” in one week? Ask some of these ATL fairweather Falcons fans. Damn! It was only one game.
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Love you “A”.

Blog of the Week Recap Stuff

Here’s a list of some of the greatest pages on the internet. These are in the order they were posted (without the original witty comments).

Go stop by to see rev. steve, steph, ms. ann, laurie, dirk, mike, elaine, and mist. You will have a ball – guaranteed!!!

http://mybigfatfkinhead.blogspot.com/ (edit- thanks to rev. steve)

http://muchadoaboutsumthin.blogspot.com/

http://www.miss-ann-thrope.com/

http://www.beautyandthebeer.com/

http://dirkmancuso.blogspot.com/

http://nonsenseservedalmostdaily.blogspot.com/ (edit- thanks to deb)

http://crazylainetrain.blogspot.com/

http://mustgethobby.blogspot.com/

Health (Yeah right) Stuff

When Jali Cook does something stupid it’s usually not just your regular “duh” kind of stupid. It’s the “affect her whole life – makes even Mike Tyson question her common sense” type of stupid. The kind of stupid to make onlookers wonder how she made it to old age. You’ve heard that old expression regarding ‘babies and fools’. Well, guess it’s true.

My stupid highlight for this week (and yes there are usually a few to choose from – just like ESPN) is me at the health club on the first day.

I walked in to the workout area with my stomach sucked in as far as I could hold it (as to impress those out of shape people all around me) with a look of determination on my face. The place was pretty crowded and although I lectured myself on the car ride over, I knew I was going to totally disregard my own instructions as usual. (see, I know myself pretty well and try to avoid my self destructive bullshit – but alas these efforts are usually to no avail).

I told myself in the car that I was going to the gym to firm up a bit and to improve my health. I was not, I repeated: NOT going there to show the other people what great shape I was in. (especially since it’s been FOREVER since I crossed the gym threshhold). I was not going to sneak a peek at my neighbors stats on the treadmill so that I could go one faster or longer. I would not count the number of sit ups on the incline the others were averaging so that I could do a few more. “This is NOT a contest”, I told myself.

It seems that self is an ass.

I took the next available treadmill and immediately checked the stats of my neighbors – “That thin towel can’t hide the information from inquiring minds like mine…hmm (squinting as I read) – Incline: 4.5 and speed: 3.0 to the right of me. Incline: 3.0 and speed 4.0 on my left.”

I would have to make my incline at least 4.6 and my speed at least 4.1 to prove that I was the champion workout queen in the gym. I know, you’re probably thinking WTF is wrong with her. It’s not a competition.

I know this now, but by the time my machine started (after I input my stats including false weight information) the theme for Rocky was playing in my little confused head. I was huffing and puffing at the 20 minute mark, sweat pouring into my eyes and ears. I couldn’t stop. There were still a few people who started the treadmill before me.
Must.
Be.
The.
Best.

I was in misery. I was soaking wet and it was difficult to breath, but like a mindless robot I continued to jog along at an incline that was waaaaay beyond my capability.
Must.
Be.
The.
Best.

Finally the other competitor gave up. Triumphantly I pressed the “cool down” button.
“Five more minutes? This machine must be f*^%ing crazy! I can cool down on my own.”

I slowly wended my way through the various machines on the main floor of the gym, pretending to read the instructions; actually trying to catch my breath before the competition continued.

I happened to have noticed the very few sets of incline sit ups the previous competi..um … people completed. I knew I could shine in this area. I did my first set of 10 with confidence – my form was great: no rush of movement – every slow sit up measured as I watched myself in the mirror. The next set wasn’t as easy, but my form was still perfect – I had to show the onlookers what a great sitter-upper I am. I began grunting with effort and unconsciously sped up the movement during the next set. No reason that each one needed to last a count of 20. Okay, form might suffer a little but I have wonderful endurance. Shit!

Thank god (and I meant all the gods that have ever been worshipped) someone wanted to use the incline. I graciously and generously relinquished my position to the newbie, wiped off the equipment and made my way across the floor. (labored breathing – sweat still flowing)

OMG, would you look at the time!

I went into worried look mode (so that others would see that something must have happened to make the gym champion leave) and rushed out of there.

I sat and sweated in my wonderful car ‘Guy’ for a few long minutes before summoning the effort to pop in the clutch, release the handbrake and pull off.


more stupid to come…

Beta Stuff

Beta isn’t betta!

(for those lacking the ability to read words outside of standard English the traslation: Beta isn’t better.)

I base this opinion on the crap I’ve gone through trying to post on pages that have “upgraded” to Beta recently. I love you bloggers, but I don’t have hours and hours to give to the Blogger gods regularly. It’s frustrating to write a witty response to a wonderful post, hit the magic button and find it lost forever. Forever.

I’ve found that my efforts in reconstructing my comments aren’t ever quite as good as the original try – it’s difficult to find humor when you’re pissed at a program.

Please know that I’m reading, enjoying, learning, copying (c’mon I run out of ideas sometimes), and improving based on your weblogs. My comment just might be lost in space (danger Wil Robinson).

Copy Cat Stuff

Saw “25 Favorite Television Characters” post at http://www.miss-ann-thrope.com/ ’s page and I decided to be a big copy-cat today. (double speak for: she has no ideas and she’s thrilled to find something she can use today)

The rules:
Must be regulars on the show.
No mini-series. (killed my plan to use Roots characters)
No reality show people.
No puppets or cartoons. (some of my favorites characters are cartoons)

It seems that stealing an idea isn’t quite the same as using the idea well. I’m starting this list at 10:02 EST. Let’s see how long it takes me to make 25.
List completed at 11:38 EST. That was fun!

These are in no particular order: Well, they’re in the order I remembered them but not in order of preference. You know.

1. Claire Huxtable of The Cosby Show (Phylicia Rashad)
2. McGyver from McGyvre (Richard Dean Anderson)
3. Al Bundy from Married With Children (Ed O’Neill)
4. Men on Film aka Men on Books from In Living Color (David Alan Grier, Damon Wayans)
5. Homie Da Clown from In Living Color (Damon Wayans)
6. Stuart from Mad TV (Michael McDonald)
7. JonLuc Picard from STTNG (Patrick Stewart)
8. Joe Mannix from Mannix (Mike Conner)
9. Liz McIntyre from Room 222 (Denise Nichols)
10. Marie and Deborah from Everybody Loves Raymond (Doris Roberts, Patricia Heaton)
11. Phoebe Bouchet and Monica Geller from Friends (Lisa Kudrow, Courtney Cox)
12. Gregory House from House (Hugh Laurie)
13. Erica Kane (hyphen-hyphen, etc.) from All My Children (Susan Lucci)
14. T.J. Hooker (psyche!) Captain James Tiberius Kirk from Star Trek (William Shatner)
15. Brisco County, Jr. from The Adventures of Briscoe County, Jr. (Bruce Campbell)
16. Grace Van Owen from L.A. Law (Susan Dey)
17. Det.Kima Greggs and Bubbles from The Wire (Sonja Sohn, Andre Royo)
18. The Tates, The Campbells and The Major from Soap (see IMDb – too many to type)
19. Jim Rockford and Angel from The Rockford Files (James Garner, Stuart Margolin)
20. Dr. Phillip Chandler from St. Elsewhere (Denzel Washington)
21. Murphy Brown from Murphy Brown (Candace Bergman)
22. Suzanne Sugarbaker from Designing Women (Delta Burke)
23. David Addison Jr. from Moonlighting (Bruce Willis)
24. Corrado ‘Junior’ Soprano from The Sopranos (Dominick Chianese)
25. Officer Bobby Hill from Hill Street Blues (Michael Warren)

Movie, (ahem) Film Stuff

I recently became another Blockbuster zombie. I walk up and down the drama and comedy aisles looking for “classic” films that I never took the time to see so that I’d be able to catch up with the rest of the world and stop smiling vaguely when any of these movies are mentioned in conversation since I hate to admit that I’m not in with the in crowd. (run-on sentences are funky!)

Here’s a list of movies I recently watched and loved:

Confidence - Really good caper flick. Edward Burns is the selling point for me, but Paul Giamatti, Dustin Hoffman, and especially Frankie G were outstanding. (Frankie G was the mechanic in The Italian Job). A con within a con on top of a con – great stuff!

Lucky Number S7evin - love this movie – Another con caper – I was surprised at the end so I won’t print a spoiler – but damn! (and I payed attention). I was SHOCKED at the ending. Josh Harnett was great, Lucy Lui was hilarious, Bruce Willis: terrifying. Morgan Freeman and Ben Kinsley were good as the crime bosses.

Akilah and The Bee – Wonderful and moving film. The lead actress was outstanding. Great to see Ike and Tina (c’mon…you know who the actors are) acting together again. (smile) This was my “feel good” movie of the weekend.

Tsotsi - I cried. And cried. This film was made in South Africa by South Africans – it’s subtitled and it’s the story of redemption. There are some scenes that are difficult to watch, but it’s truly worth it. The tribe of little children living alone broke my heart.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels – Sometimes a card sharp ain’t as sharp as he thinks. Sometimes a gansta ain’t as gangsta as he thinks. Sometimes a thief doesn’t steal the show. Funny as hell, great dialogue. This little slice of London is a dangerous place to live.

This is Spinal Tap – I don’t believe I missed this gem all these years. These guys are EXACTLY right as an aging rock band who just doesn’t get it. I understand why this is a cult classic. Now I have to catch, “A Mighty Wind” to see these guys together again: Michael McKean, Christopher Guest, Harry Shearer and Rob Reiner are great together. Good stuff!

I have a couple more DVDs left to watch: Hotel Rwanda and The Big Lebowski – Yes, I admit that it’s stupid that I haven’t seen these movies. Damn! Stop laughing at me. Stop it!

EDIT:
Just remembered a couple more recently viewed films and I can’t do the same topic tomorrow so I’m adding these to the mix.

Inside Man – I loved putting the pieces together after the fact (like the hole that was dug). Much better than I thought after seeing the promos. Well executed plan and I really like the motive for the crime.

19 Blocks – Anyone can change. Great theme. I really liked this one too.

Nanny Mcphee – Good family film – Watch for the changes in Nanny Mcphee. Good little movie.

Blog of the Week That I Forgot to Post Last Week Stuff

http://mustgethobby.blogspot.com/

I like this chick. A lot.

You will too! Please check out her archives. Look for “Hubby” post. Laugh.

Experimental Creative Stuff

Any takers? Can you do an entry using these parameters?


Begin the story in bed. End the story in bed.
A meal must be eaten at some point in the story.


Come back and link your piece here so we all can enjoy.

Word Verification Stuff

Sorry guys but the stupid ‘bot comments have started, so I have to do the word verification- pain in the butt thing. I really hate some marketers! Please don’t ever click on their links – maybe they’ll eventually stop if there’s no response.

Immature Stuff

I’m old as them thar hills, but my sense of humor hasn’t grown up. I find certain names to be hilarious, and I have to really make myself keep a straight face when I find something funny that other adults just don’t. Why other adults insist on being grown ups is beyond me. I’m here to have fun.

The name ‘Dick Small’ is just too funny to me. Why not call yourself Rick or Richard or Ricky? What if after he gets undressed you find that his dick really is small. What then? I know that it’s currently PC to say that size doesn’t matter – it doesn’t when we’re working within certain parameters – but c’mon, outside those parameters it does. (to all my guy readers – of course I don’t mean any of you - you’re the best! …and of course your assets fall well within those parameters)

When I lived in NYC, I’d hear the name ‘Lipshitz’ on a regular basis, and I’d have to fight down the giggles. I’m sure the name means something fabulous in the mother tongue, but hey – we’re in America, I’m immature and I always imagine some sort of vague little shitty lips.

When I was a kid (not as long ago as you think), I’d get excited when the new phone books were delivered – I just had to see if Zora Zzyz was still the last entry in the Queens directory. It didn’t take much to amuse me back then and I remember always hoping that Zora still held her place each year. Sadly, one year I checked and there was a new sheriff in town – I actually said a prayer that Zora had only moved – not died.

Certain words make me smile for no real reason – (no, not the attractive cover girl smile you’re imagining – that goofy, “oh shit” smile regulary worn by idiots all over the world). The word “monkey” is hilarious to me. “Pokey”, “stinky”, and “dooky” are funny. If you cross my path and I have that far away look in my eye and a stupid grin going on, realize that I’m probably thinking of stinky monkeys making dooky.

I don’t generally like slapstick type humor but to watch an ghetto runway queen (every where she walks is a catwalk – everyone she meets is a potential producer) trip and wobble a little and then try to play it off (like – “I meant to do that”) is funny as hell to me. I usually love it when someone gets knocked off the pedestal of their own making.

Another slapstick type funny move is the “shaking my long luxurious all natural hair out of my face…then the oh no, there goes my weave” move. I’ve never seen a chick pick up that lost piece of hair. They always ignore it and I suppose pretend that the honey blond extension is from another girls head. I’ve seen this more than once.

One of my favorite shows on television is South Park – I never tire of their very special brand of humor. My favorite character a while back was Big Gay Al. Why? His name is just funny. Big Gay Al. Say it out loud. Funny as hell. Then there’s the catch phrases from the show that I find the need to repeat endlessly. “Tim-may! Timmy, Timmy, Tim-may! Some people get my joke and laugh, some people get my joke and give me “the look”, some people think I’m a special needs adult since I use the character’s inflection everytime I say it. “Tim-may! Timmy, Timmy, Tim-may!” I imagine it’s probably annoying to others, but because of my immaturity level I find that I really don’t care since it’s funny to me.

There was a time when I would only watch TV shows like Ren and Stimpy, Mad TV, PeeWee’s Playhouse, and Beevis and Butthead. I wasn’t exactly the commercial marketing department’s dream target audience for any of these shows but I was dedicated.

Gross jokes and mean jokes are my favorites to hear. I don’t really tell them since I want people to think I’m nicer than I really am (isn’t this another sign of immaturity?), but I truly relish hearing a new gross joke. Send ‘em in – I promise I’ll appreciate them.

Are you mature yet?