Unsportsmanlike Stuff

My quote from yesterday’s post: “I won’t comment on any other games right now except to say that I’ve got the Vikings and I’ve got the Chargers for tonight. I like the away teams this week. – oh and I hate the Redskins! “

DID YOU WATCH THE CHARGERS RUN OVER THE PATRIOTS LAST NIGHT?
I didn’t see Minnesota stomp the Redskins – wish I had…

There were 16 games played this weekend/last night – only 5 home teams won their contests: Pittsburgh, New England, St. Louis, Jacksonville and Arizona.

Green Bay, Tampa Bay and Oakland (by the bay) were all shut out at home.

I love this game!

NY Stuff

I really do love New York. I’ll celebrate the city as my tribute.

Take the NY-er quiz:

1. What is “regular” coffee?

2. Name at least 2 “Ray’s Pizza” shops. Compare any versions of Ray’s to a chain pizza shop -Pizza Hut (shudder) or Dominos (ugh).

3. What’s a “dirty dog?”

4. What do you play skelly with? Where?

5. Where are most of the handball courts found? What kind of ball is used?

6. Where’s uptown?

7. What’s commonly called “the city”?

8. What’s a bodega?

9. What is a botanica?

10. Where can you buy bun and cheese?

11. Where can you find roast duck to go 24 hours per day?

12. What do you always find in the front display at a diner?

13. Is Amtrak at Grand Central Station?

14. Grand Central Parkway is called ___________ when it reaches Nassau County.

15. What borough never had the 718 area code?

16. What’s a dollar van?

17. Where do serious “ballers” play in the Village?

17a. Where’s the Rucker?

18. Where in the city was the Paradise Garage? The Loft?

19. Where is the city’s biggest “Labor Day Parade” held?

20. Name 3 free bridges in the city.

21. What’s a bialy?

Random Stuff

This weekend was cool.

Let’s go backwards and talk about Super (yes it was dudes – yes it was) Sunday first.

The Falcons and the Panthers – 20 to 6 – The Falcons kicked ass! Pretty good game on Fox yesterday but some of the camera angles in the broadcast were ridiculous. Hint – We really do want to see the wide receiver actually catch the ball. Vick was pretty sharp – A couple of really nice drives.

Indy and New York – 26 to 21 – The outcome was really not unexpected – I’m a Giants fan and would have loved for Eli to beat Peyton and the final score indicates that it wouldn’t be an impossible dream. I didn’t see the broadcast, but I’ve read the game play by play and I’m happy that it wasn’t at all one sided. Peyton is undoubtedly a superstar QB and Eli seems to be on his way. Oh, and I like the commercials with Archie.

The Saints vs the Browns – 19 to 14 – Finally, I can say the name “Bush” with pride.

Cowboys and Jags – 24 to 17 – Byron Leftwich did a great job leading his team yesterday. In the 2nd half of the game Drew Bledsoe obviously did not. T.O. had a respectable game IMO and I hope some of his critics shut up. (I hate the Eagles and anything T.O. does well this season is a slap in Andy R’s face) Bill Parcells has bigger boobs than me. I didn’t notice them back when he was coaching the Giants since he usually wore a jacket since it’s a little cooler up north – man! – get the dude a bra! I still don’t know what that challenge was for right before the snap – just a waste of a timeout.

Baltimore at Tampa Bay – 27 to 0 – The very first play I saw in this game was the Ray Lewis (my hero) sack in the 3rd quarter. No pirate ship firing this week, huh? Steve Mcnair has found his stride.

The Bears vs the Packers – 26 to 0 -Time for Brett to retire! I thought that it was ridiculous to allow Favre to play 3 full quarters in the 2nd game of the pre-season and it’s ridiculous to leave him in after so many incomplete passes and sacks. I’m glad for the shutout and I hate the Bears. BTW -”A” is from Mil-wack-ee – he hates it when I say that, so it seems I must – sigh.

NY Jets vs the Titans – 23 to16 -Without Herman (alas, I still can’t think of him as the chief of the Chiefs) the team is doing pretty well. As for the Titans – too little too late.

I won’t comment on any other games right now except to say that I’ve got the Vikings and I’ve got the Chargers for tonight. I like the away teams this week. – oh and I hate the Redskins!

Saturday was a good day – I went bowling with “A” and his coworkers and I actually played 2 games. I wanted to enter the group competition for $10.00 per head, but “A” wisely refused to put up the cash since my high score to that point was 98. The winner’s score was 208 and I suppose my hanging out in Margaritaville led me to believe I had more skill than I actually displayed.

We continued the fun at Ted (one of the coworkers) and Val’s beautiful house and dined on wings and salad while drinking pretty steadily. Val and Ted seemed to have been waiting for a group of drunken friends to come over in order to play Pictionary. After 20 or so minutes of arguing over the rules, who gets to go first on each team, who had the best pencil, which side of the cards we were playing, who might be a cheater, who would referee, and the big one – what color would represent our teams (both wanted green to represent money – we really were stuck on this issue for a while). These may seem like simple things to settle – not for a bunch of drunk people.

Finally the chicks gave in and we accepted blue as our color and the game began. We quickly moved through the first few challenges and the men seemed annoyed (my “A” actually called us cheaters). One of the players on the men’s team kept wandering away from the table in the middle of their round and we wouldn’t allow them spontaneous time outs.

The guys sucked. (I had a whole sentence here about the differences in perception and the differences in expression of those perceptions between men and women, but I decided to go with the bottom line – the guys sucked). Our team made it to the final square before the guys were halfway through the board.

Exhausted from the game, the chicks team moved to the living room while the guys decided to play poker.

The ladies had a fascinating conversation regarding hot flashes and our sex drives that continued until we fell asleep on our hostess’ gigantic wrap around couch to the sounds of drunk guys trying to bluff each other.

“A” woke me with his wonderful Henessy breath and we took our leave. By this time I was okay to drive and we made it home safely.

Romance and hard liquor aren’t always great together, but I swear it’s big fun. We romped (took forever to find an acceptable word) for what seemed like ages until right in the middle of a sexy move “A” fell fast asleep – snores and all. I cuddled up to him – then moved quickly away – the snore gave that Hennessy breath an entirely different flavor – one thats totally incompatable with my sensibilities.

Back to Sunday…

After football I hung out at Skatetown in Jonesboro, Ga. and stayed until closing (11:30). I wasn’t very adventurous last night and stuck to all the moves I’m already comfortable doing. (and more importantly, know I look good doing)

I was home by midnight and watched “Something New” (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0437777/) again, this time with “A” and enjoyed my second viewing more than the first time. I love this movie! I was a “big girl” and went right to bed immediately after the movie ended, so I wasn’t pissed at the world and I didn’t throw the clock at the wall at 6:00 when the alarm went off. (as I sometimes do)

How was your weekend?

Oops I Forgot Stuff

I can’t believe I didn’t mention this. (whispering firmly: DON’T F***ING TELL HER! We still have to live there)

My home has recently been taken over by a kitten named Grady who has graciously allowed us to stay there as long as we remain amusing and feed her on time. On time means whenever the hell she says it’s time.

Why, you might ask, is her name Grady?

Her name is Grady since my very imaginative man “A” was the one in charge of naming her. Oh, by the way – she’s gray. (Yuck-yuck)

I’ve learned that getting up to pee in the middle of the night will be an adventure, since 3 in the morning is the time of day that Grady feels should be used to teach us new tricks. She’s generally pleased to find either of us up and doesn’t care that we want to go back to sleep.

“Mwreoff” (meaning: “hells to the naw mofos – you’re mine now – time to play”)
“C’mon sweetie, lay down and go back to sleep.” (this is A talking to me)
“Mwreofff” (meaning: “did you mean to defy me? Get your sleepy ass back over here”)

I love A, but Grady scratches the hell out of my legs and feet when she plays the “dare to move your feet while you sleep” game so I know what I need to do.

Wearily I grab the catnip toy…

Instructional Stuff

I went to the office breakroom to get a fresh cup o’ ice (my morning chew treat) and a cup of hot water for my pack of instant oatmeal (regularity has become important to me as I age) and noticed that the beverage vending machine has a pictorial to explain how to use the machine. There’s a little hand putting a little coin into the little slot. The next photo is of a little finger punching the little button. The last photo shows a can of soda in the “pick up your beverage” area of the machine. What’ll we do if the pictures get damaged?

I don’t recall ever learning from pictorial or written instruction how to buy a soda (or any other item) from a vending machine. I’m pretty sure I saw someone else do it at some point and just copied their behavior.

All shampoo bottles list instructions to lather… rinse… repeat. The words aren’t complicated, but one must be able to read the words to understand the instructions. Generally one has had at least a couple of shampoos before learning to read, so I would imagine anyone buying shampoo doesn’t need to be told how to wash their hair.

If we go to a grocery store and look at a photo illustrating any food package the words, “serving suggestion” will be in fine print somewhere near the bottom of the photo. Now, I’m not saying I’m brilliant, but even as a child I didn’t expect the package content to look exactly like the photo on the box. Why do our manufacturers have the need to let us know that the photo is a serving suggestion? Are there hoardes of people ready to initiate lawsuits if the piece of parsley in the photo isn’t included in the box? A can of corned beef hash usually shows a sunny side up egg sitting happily on the plate with it’s partner, corned beef hash. Happy toast with a perfect square of butter sit to the side, opposite to a big ole glass of orange juice. Serving suggestions. Who is the world actually expects the egg, the juice and the toast to all appear after opening the can?

Guys may not be familiar, but most chicks have seen the pages and pages of instructions (usually written in English, Spanish and French) that come with a simple box of tampons. There’s also a detailed drawing included showing a sidecut of a woman’s body and the parts of her anatomy that are involved during a “happy period” (I hate that f***ing commercial). If we follow the drawing the insertion should be simple. Just in case the drawing doesn’t suffice, there are the tri-lingual instructions as backup. If I were the one to write the instuctions the box would say – “plug it up”. That’s it. That’s all.

Times when instructions would be really helpful to me are the times I find that they’re not included in the packaging. My first husband (why oh why god, why!!!?) needed instructions explaining that due to his very short attention span and minimal intelligence he would tend to forget that he had a wife and children, and that he couldn’t be expected to come home on a regular basis. Oh, and his package theme song should have been, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

It would have been great to get directions for evil ex-boyfriend “W” explaining his need to control everyone around him and his crazy jealousy.

Imagine going for a job and reading the instructions for your boss – insecure and tends to take credit for work subordinates do. Would have saved me sonme heartache in the past. (my current boss is GREAT – he doesn’t need instructions so no one needs to forward this article to anyone)

I would love to see what instructions for handling me might be. Any ideas besides ‘handle with care’?

Ad Stuff

Sometimes I wake up early in the morning and can’t go back to sleep. I generally need something to put me to sleep, and if “A” won’t cooperate (“tee-hee-hee” – that was supposed to simulate a giggle, but it just looks kind of stupid, but I’m leaving it anyway) and my usual choice to knock me out is television. Because of “A”’s addiction to the remote, and his need to hide it so that there will NEVER be an opportunity for me to watch a complete show, I generally have no clue as to how to find the f***ing remote at 1:52 in the a.m. I’m willing to get up to turn the TV on, but don’t usually want to stand there changing channels, so I’ll watch whatever is on at the time.

I love Comedy Central so it’s the usual channel my set is tuned to. Fine choice during regular programming time – horrible choice late at night.

Are you familiar with “Girls gone Wild”? http://tours.girlsgonewild.com/maintour.php/67/30/A

I am very familiar with girls gone wild since this is the only effing commercial played late night on this station and there’s actually a whole girls gone wild show that lasts for what seems like an eternity in hell, but must be actually about an hour or so. I don’t actually watch the TV – I’m trying to get back to sleep, but I can hear it. And hear it. and hear it. The background music is vaguely Caribbean and it seems that a requirement of going wild is the ability to produce an inane, uncomfortable laugh while flashing the girls.

I don’t understand why these girls are going wild. I don’t understand why flashing one’s boobs is such a great thing to do when there’s a cameraman and an idiot host (yes -he’s an idiot) in the room. I don’t understand why these chicks will perform for FREE. The idiot host/producer is making tons of cash. The cameraman is getting paid. These chicks are willing to flash their way out of potential internships and job opportunities for fame on a $9.99 DVD that Grandpop may be ordering right now.

But wait… there’s more:
Other channels offer these wild girls plus other money making, life changing, house cleaning, skin smoothing, hair removing, time saving, body shaping opportunities that you can take advantage of only if you call in the next five minutes. Operators are standing by. ( I always think, ‘what a f***ed up job to have to stand by for idiot callers at 3 in the morning’.)

How about the music? For example:
The Golden Days
Over 125 rock ‘n roll hits. 7 cassettes-4 payments of $24.99 equals $99.96, or 7 CDs-4 payments of $29.99 equals $119.96. plus $9.95 S&H. 800-510-7625; C/S 719-531-7096; The Golden Days, P.O. Box 4100, Colorado Springs, CO 80934

$119.96 for 7 CDs plus $9.95 Shipping and Handling (the terminology alway got to me – I understand shipping but I don’t see why I’m paying you to handle the product so that I can buy it – sounds like doubletalk and rip off to me). I might like 4 or 5 of the songs they played 6 times each during the commercial – the other 120 or so songs are a waste of everyones time. Who buys this stuff?

It seems that people are actually buying the stuff. There are “As Seen on TV” booths and stores in malls all over the country. There’s also a website http://www.asseenontv.com/?gg=ontv that lists literally hundreds and hundreds of products that were advertised on late night television.

I suppose I’m just not hip enough to buy this stuff. (Y’all know that “stuff” means “shit” in Jalispeak.) I hope I never make it to that level of hipness.

Hint and Answer Stuff

Edit – Spoiler Warning – Edit – Spoiler Warning – Edit -Spoiler Warning – Edit

If you want to guess the music/musicians from yesterdays post – stop reading now!!!

Here are the answers to the hints given:

He forgot the lyrics at a pretty big gig. Musiq (formerly Musiq Soulchild)

There’s a Jackson song listed. Joe Jackson

Really cool doggie from a movie. Toto

Opposite of Hi-C. CeeLo

He was Marvelous! Marvin Gaye

Musical Stuff

We’re gonna play name that tune! I pick a verse from 5 songs I truly love. Tomorrow I post the song title and name of the artist. I really do love these songs.

Numero Uno

“Could we be much closer if we tried
We could stay at home and stare Into each other’s eyes
Maybe we could last an hour
Maybe then we’d see right through
Always something breaking us in two”

Deux

“Hands, don’t let her go, ’cause then the midnight icy winds will blow
Eyes, give every drop, to send a wave that’s sure to make her stop
Arms, just let her know, no one fills the place she used to grow
Smile, don’t leave me now, ‘cos you’re the reason she’s here anyhow
Words, be gentle when you speak into her heart
‘Cos if it breaks, she may not come again”

Tree (using Jamaican Accent)

“Hey baby, what’cha know good
I’m just gettin’ back, but you knew I would
War is hell, when will it end,
When will people start gettin’ together again
Are things really gettin’ better, like the newspaper said
What else is new my friend, besides what I read
Can’t find no work, can’t find no job my friend
Money is tighter than it’s ever been”

Fo’ (I am down south gotdammitt)

Well I’m extremely cheap
I snore when I go to sleep
The little bit of nothin have leftI’m strugglin trying to keep
Your friends may all agree
You could name a million things I’ll never be
If you feel like flyin feel free You know that you could do better than me
I’m a simple man I’m doing everything I can
When God sent you my wayIt was the moment my life began
You stood by me through the storm
Well I was hopin you’d have my hand
I wish I understood how you were strong enough to undestand
Cuz see no one is crazy enough to love me but you.

Five (,Five, Five, Five – sing a song of five….)

“Girl I know this might seem strange
But let me know if I’m out of order
For stepping to you this way
See I’ve been watching you for a while
And I just gotta let you know
That I’m really feeling your style
Cause I have to know your name
And leave you with my number
And I hope that you would call me someday
If you want you can give me yours too
And if you don’t I ain’t mad at’cha
We can still be cool cause…”

Hint Section: (not in any particular order)
He forgot the lyrics at a pretty big gig.
There’s a Jackson song listed.
Really cool doggie from a movie.
Opposite of Hi-C.
He was Marvelous!

Non Lyrical Lyrics Stuff

promiscuous [pruh-mis-kyoo-uhs]

1. characterized by or involving indiscriminate mingling or association, esp. having sexual relations with a number of partners on a casual basis.

I’m sick of this song:

Promiscuous girl
Wherever you are
I’m all alone
And it’s you that I want
Promiscuous boy
You already know
That I’m all yours
What you waiting for?
Promiscuous girl
You’re teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need
Promiscuous boy
Let’s get to the point
Cause we’re on a roll
Are you ready

Why are we glorifying promiscuity in song? Damn. Do you know how many teeny weenies are singing these words at this moment? Do you think Nelly Furtado knows what promiscuous means?

Damn!

Oh – special note to the evil belly dancers: Don’t mess with Laurie (the Arizona Pirate Tinkerbelle. http://www.beautyandthebeer.com/) One of us’ll shank you!