Tight Stuff

I usually parade around my office and eventually the building I work in, so that the cute outfit I’ve chosen for the day can be admired by many (and hopefully envied by that chick on the 5th floor that I just don’t like for no real reason – she just looks snooty to me).

Today I will make other plans.

I woke up at 6:40 this morning – well got up at 6:40 after hitting the snooze button repeatedly. 6:00 is my regular get up and go time so the 40 minute difference is a really big deal. Really.

I was so late that I stopped for a moment to consider skipping my shower to save a little time. Since the temp outside right now is near 90, I’m sure that would have been a really poor choice. My co-workers would be eternally grateful if they knew what my decision might have cost them.

Since I had to shower, I needed to find a way to save time.

Insta-clothes!

Insta-clothes are the garments in my wardrobe that never need ironing and go pretty well with almost anything. Insta-clothes have saved me from the horror of being late on more than one occasion so at 7:08 I grabbed Insta- slacks and an Insta-shirt to match the sparkly shoes I’d decided to wear today. I tip-toed out of the bedroom and quietly shut the door.

My guy “A” goes into work in the afternoons so I try to be as quiet as possible in the morning and I usually dress in the living room to let him rest.

The black slacks are insta-clothes because they’re skin tight. Skin tight. I”m usually not the hoochie at the office so understand that the shirt I chose was supposed to cover the skin tight thing. I cleverly had it all worked out and after applying my work face in the bathroom mirror above the sink I grabbed my keys, jumped in my car and made it to my building a full 1/2 hour before my start time.

I had this lovely mental image of my appearance that didn’t quite match the reflection myself on the side of the building. “Distortion”, I told myself., ‘you’re fine”.

The elevators in my building have mirrored doors.

Jali in the mirror. No distortion.

Hootchie – OMG – I’m a hootchie at the workplace.

The shirt that was supposed to make it all come together was not the shirt I was wearing. I was wearing an ’emphasize her big ass shirt.’

R. Kelly was stuck in the closet.

I’m stuck at my desk… (I have to pee)

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17 Comments

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17 responses to “Tight Stuff

  1. heartinsanfrancisco

    OMG, what a hilarious (and sad) story!

    I don’t know what to tell you, j. When you have to pee, nothing else will even remotely do.

  2. Miss Ann Thrope

    I have this cute pink dress that makes my boobs look A-maze-ing. The old guy I used to work with thought so too.

    I usually have my dresses cleaned after about 3x wearing them because I have that ‘never sweat’ thing which isn’t tecnically Anhidrosis because I don’t overheat…

    Anyway, this particular dress had a huge unknown substance stain that I apparently missed directly on the right nipple area.

    It was like 200 degrees out (maybe not 200 but work with me here) and I wore a wool…yes, wool…cardigan all day because…just say no to nipple stains thankyouverymuch.

    I feel your pain.

    I haven’t done the hoochie thing yet but I think it would be fun…in an exhibitionistic kinda way.

  3. Rev. Smokin Steve

    I wish I could see the hootchie shirt.

  4. ~Deb

    My worst fear: Dressing room mirrors. It’s almost as bad as those fun house mirrors…….or….ummm…is it really telling me the truth —which is the underlying fear!

    You look fine girl. F*I*N*E …fine!

  5. Maria

    I was so here today! I too have insta-clothes. I wore my insta-dress today (black one piece) but apparently it’s shrunk (read: I’m gained weight) so it didn’t quite fit right. I was so uncomfortable that by lunch time I ran out to Ann Taylor Loft and picked up a new outfit on sale!

  6. Lightning Bug's Butt

    Don’t fear the hoochie look. Roll with it.

    Hey, I like the way you write. I’m glad you stopped by.

  7. jali

    heartsinsanfran,
    Looking into catheters since I’m sure I’ll do this again someday (smile).

    miss ann thrope,
    I may need to borrow that dress – I have a negative number bra size. I have a leaking breast milk story…ah – another time.

    Smokin’ Steve,
    check your mail.

    Psyche!

    deb,
    You’re a sweetheart – I snatched off the outfit as soon as I got home. Dressing room mirrors save me a lot of cash since I look so bad in most of the stuff, I leave it in the store.

    maria,
    I work directly across the street from 2 great malls – I just didn’t want the looks at the mall – you know, THOSE looks. I ended up wrapping my girlfriend’s sweater around my waist.

    lightning bug’s butt,
    I might do a little hootchie on the weekend. Your compliment is high praise since your page is outstanding. Thanks for returning the visit.

  8. Christina_the_wench

    OMG, hilarious, Jali. Just don’t get up too fast and rip a seam. Forget it. Don’t get up at all until 5:00pm.

    There. A solution. Any man servants to cater to your every whim to achieve this goal???

  9. Mike

    I could lie and say I feel your pain…but frankly I look hot in everything.

    *snickers*

  10. ~d (tilde)

    Hot and fresh out the kitchen, Mama rollin’ that body got every man in here wishin’

    AHHH-
    ~d heart hootchie mama!

  11. SunKingpoet

    I say pee at your desk. It works for me.

  12. The Blonde Menace

    I totally have insta-clothes too!! Except I wear them almost every day b/c my office is really casual. I hate waking up in the mornings so I just grab whatever I see and throw it on and am out the door. One time I wore this camisole under another shirt and the straps weren’t properly adjusted and apparantly I was showing MAJOR cleavage the whole day, my supervisor was too embarassed to say anything to me so he had a female coworker point it out. I felt like such a hoebag!!! I was so embarassed.

  13. Dal

    TOO funny!! You never want to be known as THE “Hoochie from the office”. Great blog!

  14. Lynn

    I have been stuck at my desk before for the same reasons. It’s that “getting dressed in the dark” feeling.

  15. jali

    christina_the_wench,
    I’m a bit short in the man servant department. Will you send me a loaner?

    mike,
    We need photographic evidence of sdaid hotness (especially when people snickr). Post immediately!

    ~d,
    YOU’RE the one with the big headed g-string, not me (he-he-he)

    SKP,
    I’m telling your wife!

    Blond Menace,
    Oh – they told you after the fact -how helpful!

    Dal,
    Thanks! Time for you to write – go to work, girl!

    Lynn,
    Doesn’t it feel rotten?

  16. honeykbee

    All hail the marvels of insta-clothes!

  17. Anonymous

    Keep up the good work » » »

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