Tales From The Crypt Stuff

Back in the early 80’s I was a very different person. Almost immediately after the ink dried on divorce #1, I was ready to broaden my horizons (there’s that stupid phrase again) and start hanging out. The “quest for man” had begun.

Luckily, my mom and dad and my sister lived nearby, and they were good and kind people and they allowed me to drop my children off and hit the street once in a while. (no – that wasn’t me begging and pleading to get out just ONE night mom, just one night…)

On one of those once in a while dates I went above and beyond my regular beauty regimine and splurged on everything. I was determined to find a new man and the bouncy hair, fresh nails, new outfit and blue suede stilettos (with matching clutch) were all part of my ammunition in the fight for a cute guy with no Jheri curl and all other items on my list.

My prerequisites back then were crazy – tall, well built, great teeth, good nails, great job, funny, very smart, no children (despite the fact that I had 2 of my own), nice apartment or house, disposable income, well educated, very well read, great dancer, nice dresser, compatable astrological sign, close to his family but not dependant on them, not too churchy but spiritual, non Brut wearing, hard worker, street saavy, great kisser, outstanding lover, generous personality, well spoken, well travelled, sports enthusiast… my list went on for days.

The “me” back then would have missed out on the wonderful relationship I have with Adrian. Thank goodness I let go of the unimportant crap and chose the one who is best for me.

Okay, back to the tale:

After almost a whole day of preparation, I was ready to roll. Do you guys remember the old bouncy Oprah hairdo? Me.

Remember the high maintenance 80’s look? Me.

Remember the unbelievable clouds of perfume we wore back then? Me.

My girlfriends picked me up last that night and I’m sure that the cabdriver was amused by what I had to say.

“Look at me! I KNOW that I’m going to meet the man of my dreams tonight, girls, how can he resist?”

This ridiculous (but ignorantly sincere) statement was met with silence. My friends weren’t in the mood to play along with Jali.

I talked smack for the whole ride to the club. I preened in my seat, tossed my hair repeatedly and crossed and recrossed my legs. I really believed my own hype.

As we pulled up, I reapplied my magenta lipstick (with matching gloss) and shook out my hair for full effect.

“Come the fuck on!” My girl Felicia was getting a bit tired of my performance. I have to admit that I really didn’t need to flirt with the cabdriver just to practice my skills, but his reaction gave me the extra “oomph” I wanted.

Remember the “Charlie’s Angel’s” or “Charlie perfume commercial” walk? Me again. (what a pretentious phoney idiot I was).

As soon as we found a table, a drop dead gorgeous man came over to me. OMG – he was sexy as hell, tall, dark and handsome.

“What are you drinking?” His voice was even sexier than his look.

I wasn’t a regular drinker back then, but I had heard of this new concoction called a Long Island Iced Tea and decided to win the man by ordering as a sophisticated woman would. I told him what I wanted and smiled.

I batted my eyes and watched him as he sauntered over to the bar to get my drink. As soon as he was out of earshot I started talking pure smack again.

“See – I TOLD you that I would be irrisistable tonight. The finest man in the place is buying ME a drink.”

Cutie pie promptly returned to the table, placed my drink in front of me and said:

wait for it…

it’s coming…

almost…

“That’ll be $7.00 miss.”

Yes, my admirer was the waiter. I don’t understand why he didn’t ask my girlfriends what they wanted to drink.

To this day if I talk to either one of my girls on the phone they find a way to ask me if I’d like a Long Island Iced Tea. It wasn’t funny then and it isn’t funny now.

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28 Comments

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28 responses to “Tales From The Crypt Stuff

  1. C

    Ha ha ha I can just see the attitude – “Girl come the fuck on!” Hey there’s no shame in some self-confidence of course but of course the 80’s are not a fun time to relive – why I ask have they returned to the leggings. I think that look has had its day.

  2. mist1

    So what you’re saying is that Adrian doesn’t have any of those qualities that you listed at great length?

    Does Adrian know that?

  3. Cece

    By far, my favorite post of yours. I am literally laughing my ass off. And trust me we all have had these outrageously embarrassing moments that we’d rather not re-live but somehow our friends never seem to get the memo.

  4. Webmiztris

    holy hell, that was a good post!

  5. Christina_the_wench

    I can just picture it. *laughing*

    $7.00 back then for a LIIT? Damn. Glad I was a cheap beer drinker back then.

  6. Tom Serafini, Actor to the Stars!

    Wait, before I read through this, which I will..did you just say 329,000 miles? You win. Really. I’m hoping to get past 200,000 with the original engine. But an 89 with 320k, a girl after my own heart.

  7. Tom Serafini, Actor to the Stars!

    Ok, I just read this and I hate to tell you – but it is funny. Really. There you are telling all your friends to stick it and the dude comes over and drops the check in your lap. Priceless.

    Thanks for reading mine and saving me. I’m doing the same here. This should be a fun ride.

  8. Matt

    Do you think that moron did that on purpose?

    I mean, not only did he only ask about you but his mannerisms were way off. No good evening, how are you ladies doing this evening, what can I get you ladie this evening, isn’t it a nice evening?

    Well, he’s the one who should have been embarassed. How much do waiters make? A dollar?

  9. ~Macarena~

    Aw, I like smack-talking Jali.

    When I was 19 or 20, I ordered an iced tea at dinner and was asked what kind. That riled me up, and when I found out about LIIT, I may have been offended that the server thought I wanted alcohol.

  10. J-Bigg

    That is hilarious. Very nice setup in the story telling cause that ending completely snuck me. And despite what you believe, It’s hysterical now, so to see it happen live to an extra from the Coming to America club scene, had to be HILARIOUS!!!!

  11. dirk.mancuso

    I’m laughing so hard right now — because that’s the sort of thing that happens to me.

    (And if you ever do find a guy with all those prerequisites AND he’s gay…hook a fella up, would ya?

  12. Steph

    Lmao! You were taken DOWN my friend.
    Bahaha. Sooo something that would happen to me.

  13. restaurant gal

    Ha! Oh, not laughing at you–with you, of course! Too funny. –The Gal

  14. Amadeo

    Out of kindness I’ll never mention this again…but If I had witnessed that I’d have to do the same thing as your friends.

  15. awaiting

    I’saw’ this while reading! I saw you getting ready, saw you in the car and saw you at the club! This was funny as heck!! I don’t know what I would’ve done!

  16. Lightning Bug's Butt

    What a cute story.

    Still, that waiter was a fool not to make that one on-the-house. He might have been hittin’ Jali to this day!

  17. That's one clever little Yvonne

    Perhaps your magenta lipstick and puffy hair that made made him assume you needed a drink more than your friends.

  18. Elaine

    I forgive you for the 80’s jali because around that time I believe i was sportin’ nipper slippers and parachute pants ala MC Hammer. (I think I physically coined the phrase “awkward phase”.)

    “non-brut wearing”
    hahahahahahahaha!
    Personally for me, it was Drakkar.

  19. heartinsanfrancisco

    Hilarious story! Loved it.

    I grew up on Long Island, and I never heard of that drink until many years later when I lived in North Carolina – in the 80’s.

  20. Superstar

    Shoulder pads up to the ears??? Yep, I got the visual…LOL ;o)

    I heard this saying about marriage. 1st one is for Love 2nd for sex and the 3rd is for money??
    I have oppted for D all of the above in 1 marriage…
    *sigh*
    perhaps that is why I am still single….????
    ~bats eyelashes~

  21. ~d

    I talked smack for the whole ride to the club.

    Hmmm. That could be ME!

  22. Piggy and Tazzy

    *laughs*

    That’d be just my luck too.

  23. Kiyotoe

    lol…..I’m not laughing at you Jali, I’m laughing with you. Yeah, that’s it.

    Sounds like one of those “Sex in the City” scenarios….

    not that i watch that crap. 😉

  24. jali

    Hey E’rybody,

    I have more of these goofy stories to tell. Thanks for the support… (hmmmph to some of you guys.)

    Work has forced me to work and I’m not able to respond to each of you today – sorry about that.

  25. Dirk_Star

    The truth be told…

  26. Luke Cage

    Awww Jali. I hate it when that happens. By the way, I fit all of those lil criteria back then as I was definitely available. I just didn’t have the tall, well built, great teeth,(I have a gap, but at least my smile is nice;) great job, nice apartment or house, disposable income, great dancer, nice dresser, compatable astrological sign (what’s your sign?), street saavy, outstanding lover… all things considered, would’ja have taken me??? 🙂

  27. more cowbell

    ha! that was some funny shit. No LongIsland tonight, but you about made me spit my late-night- internet-red-wine on the keyboard.
    The 80’s were so bad! Every other decade was some kind of cool, but the 80’s … bad hair, bad clothes, bad make up, mostly bad music, damn, I have no idea why the 80’s are coming back! Skinny jeans? Please! The only thing worse would be to bring back acid wash and put a few pleats in for fun.
    Anyway, thanks for the smile, we’ve all had that moment in one way or another.

  28. Anonymous

    You forgot to mention the flirtin’ w/the guy at the door to try to get in for FREE & the folks left passed out in your wake from the 1-1/2 bottles of Poison that you poured over your head before you left home for the evening :0)

    Love, the Littlest Lamb…

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