Abnosome

Abnosome. 

Abnormal in an awesome way.

 

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Alone Stuff

I was recently dumped and it has taken me a week to be able to actually say the words.

I understand why at the same time that I’m at a total loss as to why. This odd sentence means that I’m one confused chick and that alone is what I need to be right now.

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Grouchy Grammar Stuff

I’m firm in my stance – except when I’m not.

Grammar is very important to me most of the time, and I cringe just a little bit every single time I hear the song “Where You At?” by the beautiful Jennifer Hudson. The melody is lovely, her voice is beautiful and the sentiment is touching. The chorus, however, annoys the hell out of me.

Where you at?

Where.

You.

At.

I used to be a songwriter and I do understand the importance of a catchy chorus.  Maybe my unwillingness to use such a hook is the reason that I’m a former songwriter instead of a current and successful writer. Maybe I’m old fashioned and just don’t get it when it comes to new music.

I do get it when it comes to the hits of my own generation and NOW I understand why my Dad used to get so annoyed when I played this song: “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”.

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Phony Stuff

Well, you know how I feel about sales, right? When I was strolling through the pharmacy yesterday, killing time, I went down almost every aisle.

Nice and Easy had a sale! $2.99 for their Gray Solution (see how they solve problems we didn’t know we had?) usually $7.99. What a bargain!
I bought the pack, of course, and left it on the counter in the kitchen.  I was  considering the possibility of changing my hair so that my face and body would still be 53, but my hair would be 25 again.

 I opened container A and took a sniff – not bad. I applied it to my hair while fully dressed and listening to Van Morrison. This is the pre-conditioner, so I’d still have time to change my mind, I told myself.

I opened containers B1 and B2 and followed the instructions, including the use of rubber gloves, and mixed the coloring sloution. By this time, I was committed to the falsification of my appearance.

I went into the bathroom so that I could watch the change as I applied and I got the stuff on my hair as planned instead of my shoulders and all over the sink and floor. Good job!

I turned the shower on and ran back to the LR to check the LR time (I use different times in different rooms to avoid being late – whole ‘nother story) and I had a moment or two to relax, but I couldn’t because I HAD DYE IN MY HAIR and I was excited.

I went back to the bathroom and realized that my tee shirt had to come off my head in order for me to clean parts of my body in the shower. Have you ever seen a person having a fit? Well that was me, trying to remove the cute tee shirt without coloring it. Big fail.

Anyway, (I can really make a short story long, huh?) my hair is brown again. I like it, but I feel like a big phony. Why? Because I am…

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Work Stuff

I work for a wonderful firm and I really do love my job. I’m the receptionist here and I get to meet our clients and consultants and I think I have a pretty good relationship with most of the folks who work here.

There is one person who’s a little annoying. There’s always one. There’s a law on the books that requires at least one annoying person per workgroup.

Why must some people create a big to-do over the most mundane events? Are some folks so in need of attention that they are determined to make every effort to draw others into their lives?

I have a coworker who craves attention. She’ll join a group having a great conversation, look around and then sigh. She won’t say a word, she’ll just roll her eyes and sigh. (this is our cue to ask, “what’s wrong”).

It is usually a very dramatic and eloquent sigh and we’ve learned that this particular sigh means “poor me”. She’ll look around to see if anyone in the group is paying attention (we’ve learned to avoid eye contact) and if not, then another sigh will be forthcoming. Sometimes a small groan is added for effect.

If there is no response to any of these cues, she’ll start to huff, and occasionally puff a little. These huffs and puffs are often accompanied with head shaking and quiet mumbling. “Can’t believe…mumble…this job….killing me…mumble.”

By this time someone in the group will take pity and ask, “What’s wrong?”

She’ll shake her head as though it’s just too much to bear and impossible to discuss. ::insert additional sigh here::

The person will repeat the question, “What’s wrong?”

“I had to reschedule the conference call for this afternoon. (sigh) I had everything arranged and the client is stuck in a meeting and can’t join until after 2pm.” Another sigh.

Someone is usually willing to take one for the team and will respond with appropriate soothing words. “Oh, poor you blah blah blah blah…”

I used to be that willing person, but it’s no longer in me to sympathize with this chick. Rescheduling a conference call will take 2 seconds. Sending an email is not that difficult. Re-booking a conference room is easy-peasy.

I have certain medical issues as do many other employees here. We deal with them as best we can and go on with our lives.

 Not this particular coworker. Her stomach aches are more painful than labor pains. Her common cold is worse than pneumonia. Her appointments with each of her physicians must be discussed with everyone… and she must receive sympathy for all of her many many troubles.

She needs new tires (as everyone in the office has been made aware) because her tires are totally bald (her car is less than 2 years old without much mileage, but no one argues). If it rains, or snows she is unable to come to work. It is the fault of the firm, because if she had gotten a raise she would have been able to afford new tires. The rest of us who are suffering the same wage freeze are better able to cope I suppose because our small lives are not quite as important.

She, as a regular employee, doesn’t have a reserved parking space, but will check the schedule and use someone’s space if they’re out of town or in meetings. She has actually been annoyed when informed that the space owner wants to use their own parking space, and makes a big production out of getting up to move her car.

Instead of a brief conversation to order new supplies, she must have a meeting with the supplier and schedule a conference room so that we’ll all be aware that she is very important. She’ll send an email to everyone to let us know that she won’t be available between 10:00 and 10:15 because she’ll be in a meeting. She’ll remind me that she’s expecting a guest for her meeting and ask me to show him to the conference room scheduled.

She works much harder than the rest of us, and must leave early every Friday. Every single Friday she has something very important to do that must take her away from the office.

Some weeks she has meetings with important people. Other weeks she has to drive important people to the airport. (C’mon, driving to the Atlanta airport on a Friday afternoon is ridiculous, especially since the train is 3x as fast as Atlanta traffic).

Her doctor doesn’t hold regular office hours it seems – well at least as far as she’s concerned. Every single appointment is on a Friday afternoon and she must leave because her new affliction is so severe.

Once she needed to leave early because she had to shop for food. She was having important people over for a big dinner that night, and she was told at the last minute of course, and she had to shop. For the special food for the important people.

When asked about her dinner the following Monday morning, she forgot that she cooked the special dinner for the important people and told me all about the exclusive and expensive restaurant that she and her boyfriend took her important people to on Friday night.

Right.

Oh yeah, today is Friday. Guess who has to leave early.

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Kid Talk Stuff

I’ve said each and every one of the words listed below in italics.

Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. Stick a WHAT in my WHAT?!! The adult in me is appalled at the language but I remember earnestly saying the words aloud so that whoever I was lying to would believe my lies. I don’t think I ever really considered what a needle in my eye might do.

If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.  Wait a minute. We teach our babies to say this before we leave them in the bedroom alone…in the dark. If I should DIE. WTF? I said it but never thought about it. If I had given it any thought I would never have slept. Never.

Step on a crack, you’ll break your mother’s back.  I loved my mommy dearly, but I wasn’t particularly vigilant in avoiding the many cracks in the sidewalks in my neighborhood. My poor mom was just lucky I guess.

We would eat nasty dirty food that had fallen on the ground as long as we kissed it up to God. We would literally kiss the food and raise it up (similar to the iconic scene in The Lion King) to God.  Ready to eat.

What did you guys say as kids that sounds shocking to your adult ear?

Oh:

Adults sing this to their newborns to lull them to sleep gently: Rock a bye baby on the TREE TOP when the wind blows the cradle will rock, when the bough breaks THE CRADLE WILL FALL and DOWN WILL COME BABY CRADLE AND ALL. wtf???

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Mommy Talk Stuff

Definitions in the mom-language I used with my children.

We’ll see We won’t see, but I don’t want to have this out with you right now because I’m busy and I need to finish a couple of things and I don’t need a whining child right now. Hopefully you’ll forget about it soon and we won’t have to hash this out.

Go clean your room! Now! : This child had better move out of my range of vision so that I don’t lose it.

Go take a bath: I can’t believe that this child can accumulate so much dirt in one afternoon – My God, what is that stench?

Dinner!: I’m tired, I worked all day and my feet hurt. These children had better eat this food with no complaints.  I am not a maid and this is not a restaurant and this is the best I could do, doggone it. Just let one of them open their mouth to tell me that they don’t like their dinner – boy….! I swear to God…!

Maybe for Christmas If this child thinks I’m going to spend over $100 for a damn game…oooh…. and the others have lists. Lists! They’ll get what I can afford this year. Sigh.

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